Slapstick Slap Shots
by ColdFusion180
Summary: It's time to hit the ice as the Acolytes try to play hockey.


**Slapstick Slap Shots**

"This is all your fault," Sabertooth growled as he sat next to Remy.

"What?" Remy asked. "We all decided to show Mags the video of him when he was drunk."

"Yeah, but it was your idea to show him at five in the morning!" Sabertooth grunted. "After ten minutes of watching that he went completely nuts! I'm surprised he didn't kill you on the spot!"

"That is because Pyro mentioned all the copies they had made," Piotr said sitting next to Remy. "And that distracted him long enough for us to have a good running head start."

"I think the electromagnetic pulse he made to wipe out any hidden tapes helped since it cut all the lights and power to the base," Remy added. "Not to mention everything else within a three mile radius."

"Ah, so that is why we chose to hide in the ice rink," Piotr nodded gazing out at the empty ice surface.

"Hey, it's on the outskirts of town so it's still got power. And it's the last place Mags will look for us," Remy wrapped his trench coat tighter around himself in an attempt to keep warm.

"So much for your videos," Sabertooth growled. "That EM pulse wiped out every tape you made. And the base's security system. And the main computer."

"Yeah," Remy sighed. "Good thing we had the foresight to back-up the video onto CD's. Mags doesn't even know about them."

"Oh brother," Sabertooth rolled his eyes.

"Pyro what are you doing?" Piotr looked over at the Lost and Found area.

"I'm trying not to freeze to death!" Pyro shivered as he threw on every spare piece of clothing he could find. "Mags took away me pack and lighter right before we ran clear across town."

"If you find any blankets toss me one," Remy shouted. "Maybe we should have made the rink attendant turn up the heat before we locked him in the janitor closet."

"Na. He hit his head on the water faucet after I threw him in there," Sabertooth grunted. "He'll be out cold for hours. Don't tell me a freeze baby like you thinks this is cold? There isn't even a wind chill in here."

"Oh don't start that again!" Remy snapped. "You'd have to be crazy to think…" he trailed off noticing Piotr stare longingly out across the ice. "Hey, what is it?"

"Nothing," Piotr lowered his head.

"Come on, tell me," Remy prodded.

"Well, I used to go skating every winter with my sister back at home," Piotr sighed, shifting through his memories. "One of our neighbors made homemade skates and my parents saved enough money to buy us our own pair. Sometimes a group of people would organize a hockey game and we'd play until it got dark."

"You must have really enjoyed it," Remy said.

"Yes," Piotr agreed. "I was just thinking that, even though we do not have any money to pay, since we are here anyway, do you think it would be okay if…"

"Hey, no problem," Remy grinned and gave Piotr a friendly slap on the back. "Go find some skates and you can show off how go you are on the ice."

"Thank you," Piotr nodded gratefully.

"Might as well," Sabertooth grunted as he got up. "Not like there's anything else to do around here."

"Aren't you coming?" Piotr asked Remy.

"Me? No way _homme_. I've never skated before in my life," Remy refused.

"But it is easy and fun. I can teach you," Piotr offered.

"Forget it Russian," Sabertooth grinned. "Don't expect a spineless freeze baby like him to have the guts to skate."

"What?!" Remy glared at Sabertooth. "Who are you calling spineless?"

"You ya wimp," Sabertooth shot back. "Too scared to even step on the ice. Like you'd have any skating skills anyway."

"I got skills! I'm a natural athlete!" Remy protested.

"Prove it," Sabertooth challenged.

"Fine!" Remy leapt up and stormed past Sabertooth. "Let's score some skates!"

"What about you Pyro?" Piotr asked.

"What? Are you bloody crazy?" Pyro looked out from the Lost and Found bin having buried himself in spare clothes. "Go out on the ice? All slippery and frosty and cold? Anyone who likes doing that is mad! Mad I tell you!"

"Well we're not letting you out of our sight so you have two options," Sabertooth snarled. "Either you go out on the ice on skates or you go on the ice naked!"

"Uh, on the other hand I've always wanted to try ice skating," Pyro gulped as he climbed out of the bin and followed his teammates.

Several minutes later, after breaking into and 'borrowing' equipment from the local hockey team's locker room the four Acolytes piled onto one of the player's benches. All of them wore black practice jerseys and varied amounts of safety equipment.

"Well, here I go," Pyro gulped as he cautiously stepped onto the ice. He and Remy wear dressed in full hockey gear. Pyro managed to skate a few feet before falling down. "Ow! Hey, that didn't hurt so much."

"Don't try walking," Piotr suggested gliding on the ice. He hadn't been able to find a pair of shoulder pads or breezers that fit so he only wore shin pads, elbow pads, helmet and gloves. "Keep one leg steady and push off with the other."

"Okay," Pyro grabbed onto the boards, got to his feet and tried again. "Hey, I did it! This is easier than I thought!"

"If Pyro can do it, I can do it," Remy grinned confidently and stepped onto the ice, only to fall flat on his face. "Ow!"

"Amateur," Sabertooth taunted as he easily maneuvered on the ice. He only wore a helmet and was the only one who had grabbed a hockey stick and puck. "I haven't been skating since my last game."

"Game? You played hockey?" Piotr asked.

"Ow! Why is this so hard?!" Remy tried to get to his feet only to fall down every time.

"Yeah. Whenever I got completely bored and needed something to do. The trick was finding the right team that would look the other way when it came to age restrictions," Sabertooth boasted. "I've played on and off in the Canadian minor leagues for years. Heck, I was on one of the first Canadian hockey teams."

"Look at me! Look at me!" Pyro sailed by with a big grin on his face. "This is fun!"

"Help me!" Remy had managed to stay on his feet and was skating in a very haphazard pattern all over the ice.

"Really?" Piotr asked.

"Yep. How did you think I originally got the nickname 'Sabertooth'," Sabertooth gave him a look. "I still hold four league records."

"What records?" Piotr looked at him in amazement.

"Most referee's hospitalized, most scoreboards broken, twice threw a net into the stands and the only player ever to get a penalty for biting somebody," Sabertooth said proudly.

"Okay," Piotr blinked.

"I CAN'T STOP!" Remy yelled skating by and flailing his arms wildly.

WHAM!

"Ohhh," Remy moaned as he lay sprawled out on the ice next to the boards.

"Wahoo!" Pyro was now skating on one foot with ease.

"Wow," Piotr skated up to him. "You learned to skate very quickly. That is amazing."

"Well I've often had a knack for learning the basics of some sports," Pyro grinned. "I learned how to do a lot of stuff, even when I wasn't the least bit interested in them. Squash, volleyball, swimming, skydiving…"

"Skydiving?" Piotr blinked.

"Yeah. I did pretty well considering I was only six years old at the time," Pyro said.

"What?! You wanted to go skydiving when you were six?" Piotr looked at him in shock.

"No. My fascist parents decided for me," Pyro explained. "They explained it was a special treat just for me. They even went up in the plane and pushed me out themselves, even though it was too early and the plane was only halfway up. Come to think of it, I didn't even have my parachute on when they booted me out the plane. Fortunately I had on my backup chute, but somehow it was stuffed with my underwear and bricks. I'm still trying to figure that one out!"

"Oh boy," Piotr groaned. "How did you survive?"

"Oh I had only fallen a thousand feet or so when I landed on top of a hot air balloon," Pyro continued. "It was like hitting the biggest, deepest air mattress in the world. Of course the balloon started to fall but once I fell down into the basket the pilot managed to regain some sort of control right before we crashed. Aside from some cuts and bruises we were all fine. When I was taken back to my parents they were so overcome with emotion seeing me alive they started crying. In fact they cried during the whole car ride home."

"I see," Piotr blinked.

"AAAAAAHHHHHH!" Remy screamed as he headed towards the bench and flipped head-over-heels over the boards.

CRASH!

"Are you okay?" Piotr skated over and looked down at Remy.

"Ooo, look at the pretty birdies," Remy said in a funny voice.

"Watch this!" Sabertooth nudged his puck in front of him and raised back his stick for a slap shot.

POW!

SMASH!

The puck shot through the air and shattered a panel of Plexiglas above the boards.

"Wow," Pyro blinked in amazement.

"That's nothing," Sabertooth grinned. "You should see my backhand."

"Hey, what's going on out there?" the Acolytes turned as saw a dozen guys in hockey gear and blue jerseys pile onto the other player's bench.

"Who are you?" Sabertooth grunted.

"We're the Razors," one of the guys shouted back. "We play here every morning."

"What?" Pyro looked up at the rink clock. "You get up every day to play hockey at six in the morning? Are you insane?!"

"Forget that. We've got the ice now," one of the larger Razors snapped. "You get out of here!"

"Oh yeah," Sabertooth growled. "You wimps couldn't beat a curling team."

"We can take you any time!" a Razors player snapped. "Or are you too scared?"

"Bring in on!" Sabertooth roared. "We'll whip the lot of ya!"

"Are you sure about this?" Piotr asked skating up to him.

"We can take 'em," Sabertooth growled as the Razors got out the hockey nets. "Come on, the rest of you need sticks."

A few minutes later both teams were on the ice. Sabertooth faced-off at center ice with Pyro playing left wing.

"Four-on-four, full check," the Razors' center glared at Sabertooth across the face-off circle. "And since you don't have a goalie you'll use the dummy."

"Whatever," Sabertooth glanced back at the large, heavy cloth target goalie covering most of the net.

"I can't believe this is happening," Remy grumbled as he tried to keep his balance at the blue line with Piotr. "How did we end up in this mess anyway?"

"I do not know. I never know how these things happen," Piotr replied.

"Hey, it might be fun," Pyro shouted at them. "I've never seen Sabes so focused on a non-lethal activity before."

"Let's go!" the Razors' center and Sabertooth slapped their sticks together. "One. Two. Three!"

WHAM!

Sabertooth immediately rammed into the Razors' center, knocking him off his feet and onto his back. He scooped up the puck and headed for the net. The two Razors defensemen tried to check him, but he shook both of them off, rushed the goalie and made a quick snapshot. Goal!

"Yes!" Sabertooth cheered and raised his fist in the air.

"Wow. He's really good," Remy blinked in shock. "This might not be so hard."

However, on the next face-off the Razors' winger got the puck while Sabertooth flattened the center again. The Razor easily made it past Remy, went deep into the Acolyte zone and passed back to his defenseman who shot it into the lower right hand corner for a goal.

"Come on! What was that?" Sabertooth roared after the goal. "Move your feet Cajun! Hustle!"

"Okay, okay!" Remy snapped as he moved back into position and tripped over his own feet right as he crossed the blue line.

"Oh brother," Sabertooth rolled his eyes.

The Acolytes were at a complete disadvantage despite Sabertooth's extreme aggressiveness and hockey skills. Remy could barely skate, much less pass or shoot. Pyro could only handle the basics of the game. And Piotr was too worried about hurting the Razors to check fully or take a shot on goal.

"Man, these guys stink!" a Razors player laughed as he brought the puck out of the Razors zone.

"I'm open!" a Razor called out and received a perfect pass only for Sabertooth to come up and hip-check him.

WHAM!

The puck bounced off the boards and went sailing across center ice. Piotr scooped up the loose puck and headed for the Razors net. A Razor came at him head-on only to bounce right of him and crumpled to the ice.

"Sorry!" Piotr called out.

"Shoot it!" Sabertooth shouted.

Piotr looked at the Razors goalie. He hesitated for a moment and passed the puck back to Pyro. A Razor intercepted the pass, easily faked out Remy, skated down the length of the ice and scored.

"Russian!" Sabertooth roared and got in Piotr's face. "What the heck's the matter with you? Why didn't you shoot it?"

"I do not wish to harm the goalie with my strength," Piotr protested.

"So what? Just aim where he isn't!" Sabertooth tore into him. "And even if the puck hits him he'll be fine. He's got on four inches of solid padding. Armor-piercing bullets couldn't penetrate it! So feel free to armor up and blast one!"

"Alright. I will do better next time," Piotr promised.

Sabertooth won the next face-off, but lost the puck at the Razors' blue line. Pyro managed to pick it up and get a shot on net. The Razors' goalie easily blocked it. "Awww man!" Pyro cursed and slapped his stick against the boards.

"LOOK OUT!" Remy skated wildly all over the rink, arms and stick flailing around like mad. He kept bouncing into players and accidentally decking them to the ice.

"Hey! That's a penalty!" one Razor shouted as Remy conked another Razor on the head.

"When you see a ref out here we'll start calling penalties!" Sabertooth shot back.

The Razors broke out and moved the puck into the Acolyte zone. One Razor wrapped around the net and passed back to the defenseman along the boards.

"ROOOAAARRR!" Sabertooth hit him like a freight train, lifting him off his feet and crashing through the Plexiglas.

SMASH!

"Hey! Watch it!" One Razor cursed. "You're gonna kill somebody!"

"So what else is new," Pyro quipped.

The Razors continued to rack up goals as they out-passed, out-shot, out-skated, and out-played the Acolytes. While the Acolytes had far greater endurance, the Razors were also able to substitute players and more than held their own.

"I don't believe this!" Sabertooth roared after the Razors scored their seventh goal. "You lunkheads are running around like chickens with your heads cut off! Cajun at least try to poke-check the guy with the puck! Firebug, get in the slot when we're in their zone! Russian you gotta pinch and start taking the man! Now get out there and do it!" Sabertooth skated off.

"Do you have any idea what he just said?" Remy asked.

"Nope. Not a bloody clue," Pyro replied.

The Acolytes started a slight comeback as Sabertooth got two more quick goals. However, the Razors still had the initiative and moved the puck back into the Acolyte zone.

"I got it!" Pyro moved in to check the Razor with the puck only to miss and trip Sabertooth instead. The Razor shot the puck and it hit the crossbar.

CLANG!

"Rebound!" another Razor went in to dig for it, but Piotr knocked him down and recovered the puck. Two more Razors were on him so he passed it to the only person open.

"No! Don't pass it to me!" Remy screamed as he tripped on the puck and went flying head-first into the cloth target goalie.

WHUMP!

"I really hate this game," Remy moaned as he lay tangled up in the back off the net. A Razor player got the puck, scored and hit Remy in the helmet. "OW!"

On the next face-off Sabertooth got the puck and let loose a shot that bounced off the goalie's pads. Pyro tried to get the rebound but was checked hard. A Razors' defenseman scooped up the puck. Piotr went in to pinch but the defenseman passed it to the winger who flew past Remy on a clear breakaway to the net.

"Firebug, come here!" Sabertooth shouted.

"Yeah what…hey put me down!" Pyro yelped as Sabertooth picked him up and threw him down the length of the rink. "AAARRRGGGHHH!"

CRASH!

Pyro went flying into the Razors' winger as they both slid across the ice and slammed hard against the boards. "Oooh, that hurt," Pyro whimpered.

"Is that legal?" one Razor blinked.

"No rule against it," another Razor shrugged.

The next few minutes were intense as the play quickly moved up and down the ice. Remy was left completely alone near center ice as the Razors rushed the Acolyte zone. Piotr managed to get the puck and golfed it out past the blue line.

"Ow!" Remy yelped as the puck hit him in the head and came to rest in front of him. Remy looked down at the puck near his stick. "Oh no!"

A Razor bent low for a check and sent Remy tumbling head over heels. Within his pockets two packs of cards jolted loose, spilling their contents onto the ice.

"Watch out! Yikes! What the? Arrrggghhh!" the Razors shouted as they skated over and tripped on the one hundred and four playing cards stuck to the ice.

"What lunatic goes skating while carrying cards?" one Razor yelled.

"Watch it!" Remy crawled on the ice and tried to pick up the two Queen of Hearts only for a Razor to skate over them and slice them in two. "NOOOOOO!"

One of Razors tried to cover the puck with his glove, but Sabertooth took a swipe and knocked it clear off his hand. Pyro got the puck and headed towards the Razors net on a breakaway.

"You got time!" Piotr called out.

"Here I go!" Pyro wound back and took a shot.

SMASH!

The puck flew twenty feet above the ice and hit the scoreboard, causing the whole thing to explode in a shower of sparks.

"Wohoo! I did it!" Pyro cheered.

"What? The shot wasn't even on target!" Sabertooth snapped.

"This is better," Pyro laughed as he started to make fire animals out of the sparks. Fortunately Remy whizzed by and rammed into him, knocking them both to the ice and making Pyro lose his concentration.

The Razors changed tactics next face-off and picked up the hitting, even though they couldn't even knock Piotr or Sabertooth off balance.

"Ooofff!" Pyro got the wind knocked out of him as he was sandwiched between two large defensemen.

"That is not right!" Piotr started to get angry.

"AAAHHHHHH!" Remy got checked over the boards and was thrown onto the bench. "That's it! No more Mister Nice Guy!"

"Take it!" a Razor passed the puck to the winger who had to look back into order to catch it.

"Hospital pass!" Sabertooth called out.

"What's that mean?" Pyro asked.

WHAM!

Piotr hit the Razors player so hard he did a full backward somersault before landing back on the ice.

"Oh, I get it," Pyro nodded.

"Ohhh," the Razor moaned painfully.

With Piotr clearing the way the Acolytes managed to score two more goals. However, they were soon back on the defensive as the Razors struggled to regain their huge lead.

Pyro managed to steal the puck and pass it to Sabertooth right before he got flattened. Sabertooth took the puck behind the Acolyte goal line, but a fast Razors player stole it and passed it to a Razor in the slot.

"No!" Sabertooth leapt right over the back of the net, hit the ice and plowed into the Razors player. Piotr came by and scooped up the puck. He headed out to center ice, but couldn't make it past the Razors' defensemen, so he dumped the puck into the Razors zone. Sabertooth and Pyro came up and struggled for control of the puck. After a hard fought battle in the corner Pyro came out with the puck and passed it back to Piotr at the blue line.

"Shoot it!" Sabertooth yelled.

"Okay," Piotr nodded, armored up his arms and torso and let loose a blistering slap shot.

POW!!!

CRACK!

SHATTER!

The puck flew a foot off the ice, streaked past the goalie, tore through the mesh net, broke clean through the boards and hit a cement wall. Chunks of cement broke off as the puck shattered into a million tiny pieces.

"Oh my gosh," a Razor gulped.

"I think that shot broke the sound barrier," another Razor blinked in awe.

"Yeah!" Pyro cheered as he rushed Piotr and jumped into his arms. "Way to go!"

"Now that's a slap shot," Sabertooth growled.

"Come on," a Razor got out another puck and skated to center ice. "We got a game to finish."

"Keep your cup on," Sabertooth growled.

"Hey, where'd Gambit go?" Pyro asked.

VROOOOOOMMMMMM!

CRASH!

"YEHAAAAAA!" Remy came flying through the air on a 'borrowed' motorcycle he had found in the parking lot, jumped clear over the boards and hit the ice (at 30 mph). "CHECK ME WILL YOU?! YOU WANNA A PIECE OF ME?! BRING IT ON!"

"AAAHHHHHH!" Razors skated like mad to prevent being run over as Remy rode all over the ice.

"Hey, that's a great idea!" Pyro cheered him on. "Go get 'em Gambit!"

"HAHAHAHAHA!" Remy laughed maniacally as he clipped a Razors player and set him flying into the penalty box. He held his stick in one hand and went after the puck like a demented polo player. "NOW THIS IS WHAT I CALL HOCKEY!"

"Oh my," Piotr blinked at the sight. "This is getting too dangerous."

"What? It's not like we're shooting at the puck with lasers," Sabertooth scoffed.

"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! THAT GUY'S CRAZY!" the Razors bolted out of the arena, their skates scraping against the cement floor.

"WAHOOOOOO!" Remy jumped the boards and chased after them on the motorcycle.

"LOOK OUT!"

SMASH!

"AAAHHHHHH!"

CRASH!

BOOM!

"What the?" the three remaining Acolytes ran after Remy. They found him sticking out of a popcorn machine having crashed straight into the rink's concession stand.

"That'll teach 'em to mess with me," Remy blinked as Piotr moved in to help him out.

"So much for our game," Pyro remarked as he helped himself to some candy. "Does this mean we won?"

"Yeah, they lost by default," Sabertooth grunted. "What a bunch of wimps. Can't even handle being chased by a motorcycle. At least they weren't being towed behind it!"

"Come on," Piotr set Remy down on a bench and started taking off his skates. "More people will start to arrive soon. We must return the equipment and head back to the base."

"Awww, no," Pyro slumped down next to Remy. "We ran the whole way here and then skated our butts off during the game. I'm too tired to walk all the way back."

"Hey I got an idea," Remy sat up with a twinkle in his eye. "You're gonna love it. Now if I can just untie these stupid skates."

KABOOM!

The motorcycle blew up as sparks from the broken popcorn machine hit its leaking gas tank.

"Uh, on the other hand I'll do it the fast way," Remy corrected as the concession stand caught fire. He used his powers to quickly loosen his skate laces.

"Wonderful," Piotr groaned as the Acolytes moved away from the rapidly spreading fire.

Ten minutes later…

"Wahooo!" Pyro whooped with glee as the four Acolytes cruised down the empty streets.

"Am I a genius or what?" Remy grinned with pride as he drove.

"I gotta admit," Sabertooth chuckled standing next to him. "Souping up and hotwiring the rink's Zamboni was a great idea."

"I told you I could get more than forty miles an hour out of this baby," Remy smiled and turned the corner.

"I don't believe this," Piotr moaned riding on the raised conditioner. "Stealing a Zamboni. Why? Just tell me why."

"Hey, it beats going back to the base on foot," Remy shrugged.

"Wheeeeee!" Pyro squealed enjoying the ride.

"And it's a whole lot of fun," Remy smirked.

"Oh boy," Piotr groaned.

"Hey, look at this!" Pyro dug into the interior of the Zamboni and pulled out a snowball. "Yuck! Cold, cold snow! Bunch of junk!"

"Wait a second," Remy reached over and grabbed the snowball. "Here, this is how you use snow. Now where's a target…ah there's one!"

Meanwhile Principal Kelly had just pulled into the parking lot of Bayville High School and was walking toward the front entrance. "Ah, another day. Well at least it's better without those Brotherhood maniacs. Their craziness will never bother me again…AHHHHHH!" he yelped as he was hit in the back of the head with a snowball.

"Bulls eye!" someone shouted out.

"YEOW THAT'S COLD!" Kelly danced around as snow dripped down the back of his neck. "WHO THREW THAT?!" he spun around only to get three snowballs right in the kisser.

SPLAT!

"AAARRRGGGHHH!" Kelly screamed and jumped around trying to clear his vision right before he smacked into the school flagpole.

WHAM!

"Mommy?" Kelly groaned as he fell to the ground unconscious.

"Hey, I guess snow is useful after all!" Pyro grinned.

* * *

**Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution.**


End file.
